Garden Derivatives

I just finished Michael Lewis' The Big Short. By finish, I mean I started the book on a plane months ago and finally got around to reading the last 1/3. I'm a big fan of Moneyball and I'd put this book just a notch below that one. Anyway, I was thinking while walking to Metro the other morning that our garden needs to create some derivatives to insulate us from the rather substantial risks that exist up here in an urban horticultural setting.

Rodent derivatives -  paid if rats eat a certain percentage of our crop. I'm going to long this one since I'm following a scorched earth policy with the rats.

Vagrant derivatives  - paid if local vagrants eat/urinate on/trample our plants. Not unlikely.

Rotgut derivatives - a sub-class of the vagrant derivative - insuring against the contamination of the garden by the incredibly potent Jamaican rum or Wild Irish Rose, bottles of which I find frequently in the alley, or by the glass of the bottles themselves.

Tagging derivatives - just in case somebody decides to spray paint the garden. As Prince of Petworth points out, everything else in the city has been tagged, so why not.

GOP Energy Committee derivatives  - created to protect from extreme drought created by unregulated greenhouse gases.

GMO derivatives - in case something in the yard mutates my plants into something inedible/sentient. I guess I should boost my homeowner's insurance in case something growing back there decides to eat people.